Warning Asian Parents about Technology

A recent article shared that time on the internet is surpassing television time in taking family quality time. It is a place where students can go to get research but it is so easy to get something undesired and undesirable — Internet porn.

I will never forget when our son as a young teen signed up for some freebies. He was into games at a time when Nintendo, Playstation, etc. were just beginning to start their markets. We never were sure how it happened, but he began getting emails enticing him to look at “some nice pictures.” And these emails became more frequent … just click here to “see my picture.” Unfortunately, although the Internet provides us so much information at the touch of our fingers, there are many undesirable porn sites and they are just as easily available.

This warning isn’t just for Asian parents, but I can see how in trying to give our kids educational advantages, the Internet will regularly be used at home to write papers and do research. Sadly, the Internet can also create some addictive problems.  The statistics are overwhelming in how many men and women are addicted to porn, and even worse, the percentages of people who don’t view it as wrong.

All parents should be aware… it’s not just our home computers, but our smartphones and tablets as well.

http://www.just1clickaway.org/

Parents, be aware.

What do you do to shield your children, your spouse and yourself from internet porn?

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Asian American Children and their Tiger Parents

I find it interesting that so many Asian American parents (both born here and overseas) do not consider themeselves tiger parents, but I think their children beg to differ.

 

I am doing research on this subject and really want to hear your thoughts, Asian youth about your tiger mom and/or dad. You can set up an anonymous email using gmail.com or yahoo.com or hotmail.com and enter your honest thoughts. No profanity please.

Please share how your parents treated you growing up — the good, the bad, and the ugly — too much academic pressure, plastic covers on chairs and lampshades, name calling, comparison to other smart or accomplished siblings or friends’ children, etc.

 

Thanks for sharing!

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Can I Get My Own Way?

Let’s look again at Dan Allender’s book  How Children Raise Parents. The second question he says all children ask is “Can I get my own way?”

Discipline is the key to this. How many Asian parents discipline their children? There are expectations by most Asian parents in the area of academics. But as one youth worker shared, since the parents expect so much academically, they can’t expect on other fronts. So the child can do many things (i.e. get their own way) outside the realm of academics.

This may or may not be true. If you put that much pressure on kids to get straight A’s, maybe they have little time to get into any trouble. Not sure… do you think Asian American children have good character traits and can get their own way?  Do you think Asian parents discipline their children?

These two questions together – “Am I Loved?” and “Can I get my own way?” are one and the same – they are both questions to determine if the parents love them.  They do not want their own way, they want the boundaries and restrictions. They want to tell their peers they can’t do it because their parents forbid it. If not, they are stuck to their own reasonings and subject to mocking for not going along with the crowd.
But it is here where the Asian high value of community and not bringing any disgrace to family or community will come into play. This is inherent discipline that the child follows  and knows he cannot always have his own way.

If any parent cannot show love to their children, they feel very unworthy and it is hard for them to relate to others. If kids feel unloved and cannot get their own way, they feel they are in a harsh environment. If they feel loved ,but still can get their own way, the parents are sending mixed messages – if I let you get your way, I really don’t care, really don’t love you. But if they feel loved and know they cannot get their own way, they truly know their parents care and love them.

This may be one of the points of the book Raising Happiness by Dr. Christine Carter. I don’t agree with everything she says, but she quotes experts to say that those who are happier actually become more successful. She quotes 50 years of scientific research to talk about happiness of children and how parents can help. However, this was disputed by Eurasian Olivia Munn who actually complimented tiger parenting and her mother’s discipline growing up even before there were “tiger moms.”

What do you think about Asian parenting – do our children know we love them and know that for the most part, we don’t let them have their way?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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Am I Loved?

I am reading an interesting book by Dr. (Ph D) Dan Allender How Children Raise Parents (The Art of Listening to Your Family). He says that children want the answers to two questions. The first question is  “Am I loved?”

If Asian Americans cannot accept the fact that their parents love them, to reconcile the tiger parenting of many Asian parents, the sacrifices the parents make to work hard to make life comfortable for the family (sometimes making them absentee parents), and the “encouragement” to obtain a good education and a secure future with an acceptance that this is the Asian love language expression, they will find it hard to believe in a God that loves them.

Gary Chapman’s Five Love Languages teaches us about other love languages including words of affirmation (hard for most Asians) and physical touch (ditto) to name two. Quality time, acts of service and receiving gifts make up the other three.

I grew up in a home with little spoken praise that I can remember. Yet, I know my parents loved me. How do I know?  My father worked multiple jobs to make ends meet. He planned vacations for us as a family, not often, but enough so we could get away and he could enjoy a break from his work. He did many things to show his love for all of us. And I overheard him talking about me/my educational achievements to his Caucasian American friend once – the closest thing to praise – he was definitely proud of me! Instead of lamenting that he never expressed it to me, I look for the ways my parents showed me love in their own love language.

Asian parents may have a tough time showing love because they never saw it modeled. So I try to model it for my own children.

How about you – do you feel loved by your Asian parents?

If you are an Asian parent, how are you modeling love to your children – are you listening to hear their love language and making the proper music to respond so they hear you as you show that you love them?

Lastly, can you believe there is a God who loves you?

Tomorrow, I will talk about the second question all children want an answer to (according to Dr. Allender).

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Dating and Marriage

I wrote a recent article in Asia Trend magazine on To Date or Not to Date? about the tendencies of Asian parents to either ignore male/female relationships of their children “they’re just friends” or to forbid them and create restrictive rules about their social lives. I also mentioned the inter-racial dating concept of dating non-Asians. Each family/person must come to their own conclusions about who to date and marry. It’s definitely not something that can be mandated by parents in my opinion, although our influence and desires can be expressed. What are your thoughts?

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Mixed Messages

Many years ago, my husband wanted to start his own business at a time when we had very two small children. I was a homemaker. I wrestled with this as God kept whispering in my ear, “Do you trust Me or not?” I knew in theory that God would provide for all our needs. But in reality, I was afraid to test it. But finally, God won out and I took a step of faith and plunged into a decision that impacted our family for years – a decision to let my faith in God be based on His character and not my fears. I think our children were too young then to realize what we were doing, but maybe not.
Parents, make sure you know your kids are watching. What they learn is more “caught” than “taught.” By this, I mean don’t be a parent who implies “Do as I say not as I do.” If I tell my kids to trust God and God is faithful as a Provider but work like crazy to provide, I am sending a mixed message. If I ask them to believe in Him but provide them all the money they need for a short-term missions trip (or my own trip) without asking others to share in the expense because they won’t give enough or the economy is bad, a mixed message. Same message when I vehemently refuse to let them consider full-time ministry, a pastor or missionary or marrying one of those kinds of people because they won’t have a financially secure future. Mixed messages. Do we truly believe we can trust God for everything, financiall) and otherwise? If not, let’s work on our own beliefs before we try to “teach” them to our children.
There are times I still struggle with mixed messages to the world and my children, who are now adults. But I am honest in understanding that these mixed messages reveal a change needed in my life and attitude, not others. God, help me in my journey…

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A Clean House

I wonder why Asian moms don’t teach their children many housecleaning skills. I for one did not learn it from my mom, and I (sigh!) have not passed it on to my daughter. But, my brother and my son are both pretty meticulous in cleaning skills. I remember watching my brother vacuum every single piece of his (old metal style) venetian blinds and vacuum/dust his room thoroughly.  Whey didn’t I get those genes?

I think many Asians are so good at some domestic skills, like cooking. Somehow though life seems too busy to find the time to clean — dust, clean toilets, baseboards, and vacuum carpets and clean floors. I know when I take my shoes off and my feet stick to the floor, that’s not a good sign! I must say that I used to be that way too, but like a former “addict” (e.g. smoker, drinker), health issues (in particular allergies to dust mites) have forced the issue. I dust, I clean, I sweep and vacuum relentlessly. I steam clean to kill those dust mites. I wash sheets and towels in hot water. I am becoming an Asian clean freak noticing this in my house and other people’s home more than I should.

I have a schedule to clean and try not to let this go by because my health depends on it. I used to be so busy with church and ministry activities, that “I never had time to clean house.” Now, I have to do it or I will be sick! Who said that God doesn’t have a sense of humor?

I wish more Asians would learn how to clean better or hire someone to do so. A long, long time ago, we hired someone to help me with housework (young children) but I felt guilty paying someone for something I should be doing myself. Moms, let’s teach our kids how to keep a clean house. First, we have to model it ourselves, me first!

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